?He NEVER?? ?She ALWAYS?? This is what a conversation with a couple in my office sounded like recently. When asked if they frequently speak this way at home, they said together ?absolutely!? Well, they agree on one thing.
I often hear sentences beginning with these words when couples first come to me with marriage problems. Relationship favorites are ?he/she never helps around the house,? ?he/she always wants to talk about our relationship,? and ?he/she always/never wants to have sex.?
Thinking in absolutes such as NEVER and ALWAYS doesn?t work in relationships and puts you at risk for rigid, stuck thinking that creates conflict. If your spouse NEVER seems to help around the house, you may feel you?re an unappreciated maid. If your spouse ALWAYS seems to want relationship talk and you don?t, you probably want to avoid contact. And both of you feel resentment. Not good, huh?
This is what the couple in my office decides to do to end their pattern of thinking NEVER and ALWAYS?
- They decide to start fresh ? to let go of the past.
Key point:? Holding on to past anger and resentments interferes with focus on the present.
- They decide to become good detectives ? to focus on looking for EXCEPTIONS to their beliefs of ALWAYS and NEVER.
Key point:? Exceptions to ALWAYS or NEVER can go unnoticed. It may seem as if he NEVER helps around the house, when at least sometimes he does. It may seem as if she ALWAYS wants to talk about your relationship, and at least occasionally, she doesn?t. Exceptions usually exist, even if they are very tiny and hard to see if you aren?t looking for them or don?t expect them. Imagine you carry a magnifying glass with you to help you find exceptions.
- They decide that once they notice an exception, to figure out what happened before the exception.
Key point:? When you figure out what happens that is different before the exception, you can recreate it. Another approach is to figure out what happens before the ALWAYS or NEVER experience happens and stop doing it. Watch for the patterns that work and don?t work.
- They decide to do more of that exception and make it the new normal.
Key point:? Repeat what works for both of you. Keep repeating it as long as it continues to work most of the time.
6 more suggestions:
- ?Be willing to be first to break the ALWAYS/NEVER pattern.
- Ask your spouse for information. In the past, what EXCEPTIONS to a situation have you failed to notice?
- Give your spouse permission to tell you when they create an EXCEPTION you don?t notice.
- When the old pattern happens, recognize it isn?t ALWAYS that way. The EXCEPTIONS exist.
- Be willing to make mistakes and accept the mistakes of your spouse while you experiment with ending the ALWAYS/NEVER pattern.
- Act with kindness and good will as you follow these suggestions.
Do I believe this can help your marriage? ABSOLUTELY!
Source: http://creatinghealthyrelationships.wordpress.com/2012/09/19/absolutely-it-can-hurt-your-marriage/
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